The universe will take care of things. I’m not
overly superstitious, but I do read my horoscope every month. I pay attention
to “coincidences”. I ponder fate, and faith. I recognize that it’s all a matter
of perspective, but I love when things line up one after another in the
ultimate succession, filling my heart with, “meant to be’s”. I enjoy times
where everything comes together ever so perfectly, and those moments where the
colors of my rubix cube click a little closer together. Recently, however, the forces behind those
serendipitous moments of awareness have been chaotic. I was so wrapped up in
uncertainty about my job and my personal life that I just settled into my
deficiencies and forgot about my intuition. I was considering drastic decisions without
really feeling things out first, and had driven myself to the absolute charred
depths of my most insecure insecurities. While I was deep into the anxiety of thinking
my life was finally unraveling I couldn’t foresee how much I’d end up
appreciating the torment that I was experiencing, or the optimism that I feel
today. I found relief in yoga, and knowing that the sooner I quit sloshing
around like a lunatic trying to find a diamond in mountain of mud, the sooner
I’d find peace, which inevitably, I did, or I am…
Four months, or-so, ago I broke up with my
boyfriend who stayed in New York while I've been in Shanghai. Our phone calls had
grown more and more infrequent, and perhaps the worst part of it, was how it
didn’t seem to disturb either one of us. His requests to visit were
greeted with, “Now, isn’t a good time”, and I admitted not having any intention
on returning to Manhattan. We had both let things go.
I was entrenched in quitting my job, or not quitting my job, training to teach
yoga, considering a move to Hong Kong to follow my career, or
finally meeting Yvonne in Los Angeles. I could feel the simmering
in my guts, and knew it was only a matter of time until I could see the insurmountable
beauty of the situation, whose lessons would guide me along forever. The
seeming hell that I had gotten myself into was my transition, she was the
Holland Tunnel, the bad lighting, and feeling overwhelmed that the tiles inside
are going to start flicking off one by one as the Hudson River blasts inside,
trapping me until I drown because there is no hope in escaping. Eventually
though my little antique Volkswagen convertible shoots out the other side, the
radio comes back on, and there’s blue sky’s all around.
“You’re very strong.” Jutta said last night. That
was after she said, “What’s your problem, today!?” I said that it was
probably my hormones again since my cycle had become so short. It was also just one day since I decided to go
to California, and I was enjoying company
that I would certainly miss. She was barefoot stretched out on the floor,
gazing up at me as I walked over to the wall, and I just moaned back at
her. We were at Shanghai Stadium with Ryan learning to climb together.
Ryan recently moved to Shanghai, and is working with my
friend Josh. He’s another astonishingly impressive American. Of course I’ve known Ryan for a week, so
perhaps my opinions are excessively optimistic. Next time I write about
poor Ryan, he could morph into a freak American, overweight, gun-toting, and
have 62 Chinese girlfriends. Anyway, we were climbing together, when Jutta
started to Sherlock Holmes around my emotions again. She wanted to
know why I wasn’t afraid of being up so high, but I couldn’t chase love with
the same fearlessness. I declared that
she was too romantic, while she confirmed that I was just fatalistic. We sat together a while longer, enjoyed the
breeze, and eventually headed to a cab to find the diner that would host
another intense conversation while we bounced around from table to table.
Two nights earlier, we said farewell to someone
that we barely had the chance to get to know beyond those immediate, special
feelings that present themselves about certain people. Like my
relationship with Jutta, I cliff dove into the abyss of yet another remarkable
person. We met each other 7 months prior, but only shared a few conversations
together. On my birthday, we saw each
other at Matthew Cohen’s workshop but didn’t share any words. Then, three
months later, as luck, or fate, or coincidence would have it, we crossed paths
just as I finished teaching and we started our banter while leaving the studio
together. Eventually, we decided to continue our conversation over lunch,
and in those first few moments, I was opened up, and even decided to let the
little sliced pieces of fish in the bowl in front of me cross paths with my
lips, as my eyelids gently closed, and I swirled her around with my tongue.
I explained that I’m vegetarian, and fully adapting took a very long
time, so I was savoring this moment, where I was finally doing something that
my mind would not let me do for three years since I first considered it in
Barcelona. (It's funny what the mind holds onto.) Anyway, we
continued our conversation, he ate much more then I did, and later that
night we had dinner together with friends.
Over the next nine days, we spent more and more time together, and from
his perspective, I was giddy. I came here
from NY, uptight as hell, impossible to make friends with, and only as bubbly
as I actually am with my closest friends.
A year and a half later, the bubbles, curiosity, and willingness to open
up to other people without discrimination is the person that I’ve become. I’m not sure why NY has that power to infect
people with their game face, but I’m so glad it has faded. Los Angeles will love me. Yvonne might get a little disgusted, but man
oh man, it’s a lot of fun skipping around and smiling. The next several months
are bound to be interesting. I’m slowly
sharing my plans with my friends and family, gently breaking the news that I am
infact, finally leaving Shanghai. One month from now, Los Angeles begins.
xoxoxo
Proof that when you spend as much as I did on my sunglasses, that they
look good on everyone. Also, Matt swears, he reads better with
them.
On a sunday afternoon James and I got together to practice inversions. What more could one want to do with their Sunday?
James.
James
and I often spend time at this cafe inside the studio talking about
everything from our crazy youth ( I still have mine =0), Italians who
dye their hair blond, to life decisions, aging, yoga, and whatever else
our hearts desire. " The conversation is certainly always
entertaining with this one..."
Jutta with Ryan learning how to tie in.
After a long day.
Lunch with Linda at the office.
my teacher.
Condom vending
machines all over Shanghai. They even sell them in the machines
at the subway along with m&m's and milk.
Jutta.
thats it.